Just an update

Hello, everyone. I felt like I should at least let you guys know what's going on inside of my head.

So, a little more than a month ago, one the past pastors from our church passed away. (He had cancer, but was actually fighting it for a while; it just spread. It was his time, I suppose). But, two years ago, he was completely fine. We just never know...

Also, nearly around the same time, my left hand had begun to hurt, like I was having carpal tunnel symptoms. (It runs in my family, but...) I thought, 'what?! I'm way too young for that! Plus, why is it in my left hand, and not my right?' (since I use my right hand more for drawing, I thought.) Well, thank goodness it wasn't my right hand. (I would have been wayyy tooo depressed. I'd already been depressed enough for it being my left hand.) Also, my older sis (33) had it for sometime after being pregnant... so it's not too out of the question, in terms of age...
Previously, I thought, 'if something ever happened to my drawing hand (right), then I could maybe train my left hand for a backup...' So much for that idea, I guess... -_-... I'm still kind of hoping that maybe I just hurt/bruised it one day in my sleep. It was weird; one day, it was completely fine, and the next, the whole hand completely hurt. O_o
Nowadays, it still hurts, but only a little, and only (mostly) the middle finger. (I wonder if this has something to do with the positioning of holding my 3DS though?)

Anyway...

What does this have to do with anything (or with you guys), you're asking? Well, this, among, other things, made me reevaluate my life. I realized that life is so fleeting; it is but a breath, and it can pass away at any moment. It reminded me of my own mortality, as in, "What would I regret not doing if I did-- indeed-- die tomorrow? In a week? In two years? What would I do?"

Like, what would I do if I had no fear?

So, it made me wonder... if the current life I'm living our of fear... or faith?... Am I really realizing my dreams, or even trying to? Have I given up? I don't know... but I do know that if I were diagnosed with cancer today, that things would be very different.

So, what's holding me back? I still don't really know. But I know that I do need to change something. So, therefore, how this relates to you guys is that I am not sure if I am really drawing what I want to draw, or if I'm drawing to simply please others, and not my deepest self/spirit. I am just not sure. I haven't drawn much in this past month, which is quite different from the usual artists' drawing block. I know what I want to do, but I just don't have the strength or courage to do so. I have so many unfinished things; I'd hate to start another and not complete it. But... how much time do I really have left? And... who's to say I will be allowed to finish what I already DID start? Is the finishing part the most important thing? Shouldn't it be, 'enjoying the ride while it lasts'?

Of course, I never intend to start things and never finish them. I always want to finish them; it just seems that something always gets in the way, or I lose the initial inspiration or drive to do so. So, I plainly wondered, 'what is the point in starting another 'something' if I'm going to lose the drive all over again?' So, I'm just now reevaluating my drive, my original purpose in why I am doing what I do, or drawing what I am drawing (or writing). Who am I trying to please, and what is my goal with this?
Or maybe I am just thinking too hard...

Anyway, that has been my thought process for the past month or so. I am not sure what the answer is; but I do know that something needs to either change or stop. (Sitting still isn't going to change anything; this is just me in the middle of my contemplation/reflection.)

Adieu~

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Quotes I like: genaminna.deviantart.com/journ…